


face your fears

by chaitantei



Category: IT Crowd
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-29
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:40:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23915461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaitantei/pseuds/chaitantei
Summary: Roy likes the way things are, life has other plans
Relationships: Maurice Moss/Roy Trenneman
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	face your fears

**Author's Note:**

> this is set in 2010 after season 4 ends so expect old tech like skype messages, photos attached to emails, old school emoji etc

_“Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most.”_

_-Fyodor Dostoevsky_

“I must say this place is airier.”

“Airier?”

Moss adjusts himself, Roy mirrors his actions. Which in turn makes Moss adjust himself again, and after a couple of replications Roy gives up and accepts the new equilibrium.

“That’s much better.” Moss says to no one in particular. Roy knows this despite being the only one there. He doesn’t mind.

Moss continues, and it really is an uphill task. He has improved though, the first was a blood bath, the second a blood trickle which was such vast improvement, they celebrated with a soda. In hindsight, the celebration should have come after the whole thing since Moss on fizz with a blade meant the blood trickle soon turned into a blood stream.

“How are you feeling, Roy?”

“Eh. I’m not bleeding right.”

“Can you feel that you’re bleeding?” Moss tilts his head a fraction.

“I can feel a liquid, but if that’s water or blood. Not sure.”

“I have good news. It’s not blood.” Moss holds the razor and smiles, a gleam in his eye. “And I can happily say that, right now, those are mutually exclusive.”

“I’m bloody glad.” Roy grins.

“So I’ve got half of it done.” Moss hums, and he has that chum sort of look like when he’s figured out the hard part of a puzzle.

Roy breathes a little, “You’re doing so good.”

“Historically speaking, I am.” Moss replies, wiping the excess foam on a towel with a little flourish. Historically speaking that used to have blood on it so he’s right.

“So where was I, Kathy from 8th floor asked me out today. Straight up, like it wasn’t even a misunderstanding when Amy from 7th was insisting I go out after I did the job. Leave the room. You know, in a singular sense. Not wait for her and leave the office together.”

“Singular, plural.” Moss says, “Can get tricky.”

“Yeah, so I double checked to be sure.”

“Double check, that’s plural.”

“You get it. Anyway, so I told her that it wasn’t happening today. I had an appointment with Moss, a very important one.”

“Uh huh.” Moss was now in the Danger Zone, and Roy knew logically he wasn’t supposed to talk and make Moss’ job difficult but it was of course, the precise moment when he _couldn’t_ stop talking.

Moss paused a little, last time he hadn’t Roy had marks to tell the tale. Then there was a time he had stopped completely and Jen had commented on the oddly shaped stubble. (“Polygonal” Moss had replied sagely, “There is always a word for a shape.”)

“Then she asked me what was so important, I told her that it was a shaving appointment. Well, apart from the movie and the usual.” Roy raises his hands to emphasise the obvious importance, “Like she would get that right. I have it on good measure that hygiene is important to women. I even thought it would impress her, the _importance_ I’m placing on it.” Moss nods and sits back, putting the razor in his line of sight, an action he repeated every other minute to find his position on the ‘Roy map’.

“Her voice went a little suspicion-y saying I know Moss works in IT.”

“It’s good to be remembered on the 8th floor.”

“I thought so too, but then she says you said you had a shaving appointment. And wasn’t I clear in the first place, why was there a need for a two plus two when I had already said four.

Four. Moss”

There is a familiar glint in Moss’ eyes and Roy tentatively shuts up, the razor does an extremely risky manoeuvre followed by Moss closing in his face for any sign of blood. “Hold your breath Roy, I have factored that in.”

Roy was already doing it. “Don’t close your eyes though just blink.

Remember our safe Morse word.”

When Roy’s eyes snapped open for the third time, his gaze quickly shifts towards the towel. Blissfully white. No red. “Moss!” He can’t stop the euphoria flooding inside him, “You did it.”

“Indeed. That was especially hard if I do say myself. But you know experience always works wonders. Artificial meet real.” Moss points at his head.

“It does. It does work.” Roy blinks through tears.

“But listen Roy.” There’s a solemn rigidity in his posture, his thumb absentmindedly strokes his chin. Roy’s chin to be clear. Roy’s recently shaved chin to be exact. There isn’t an absentminded bone in Moss’ body, but it is new ground so Roy isn’t sure.

“This is Event Horizon.” He declares.

“Moss you know we discussed how declarations don’t work, it tightens me up and that means more contours and more blood vessels.”

“I apologize, it seems I was swept aside by my emotions. But I do like a challenge.” He grins.

“Should we take a break?” Moss’ fingers are on his lip and Roy definitely needs a break, it’s a bit too much.

“On one hand that could break my flow, on the other hand time off can help me reintroduce variables of the last few minutes for a better attempt.”

Roy does not like his face to be called an attempt, thank you very much. He lets his head fall, tries to relax.

Moss peeks at him, “Fascinating how often your face changes. A new challenge every second.”

“It’s just a face, Moss.” Moss hums and shakes his head, “Do you know how difficult humanoid expressions are, they’re achieving something new every day with robots.”

“When you put it like that.”

“Remember that bomb incident, Roy.”

“How can I forget?”

“Well, I have been in contact with the team that built the robotic arm and they’re progressing well with a humanoid robot.”

“That’s great. Lot many issues than operating software nowadays.”

“Yes, you cannot imagine how seriously they take facial cues. They asked me to test for the base model. Apparently there is a distinct lack of lines on my face that helps them to build their design. I should recommend you for the subsequent models, you’d present a significant challenge.”

“Oh c’mon Moss, it’s just a face.” Secretly he’s pleased.

“I won’t have you take it lightly. That face has haunted my dreams, Roy.”

Roy’s heart trips, something that’s never happened before. And he has shared breathing space with an actual cannibal.

Moss claps his hands, “So I’ve made up my mind. First I’m putting some aloe vera on your right side. It’s really red. Oh there it is, even redder. That’s interesting.”

“It isn’t.” Roy chides, grabbing the towel and wiping off the cream from his face. He lets it stay on his face for couple of seconds, free from Moss’ inquisitive stare at last.

That doesn’t last, although Moss has thankfully put down his razor, taking that wait and watch option. Stress on the _watch_ part. Roy can feel his breath down his neck, his throat stretched out constantly gets cooler and warmer as Moss surveys new ground. It’s maddening. And if that’s not enough Moss’ hair is tickling a very sensitive part of him. Hey, whose neck isn’t sensitive.

“So Kathy.” He clears his throat and speaks through the towel. “Can you believe that Moss, what’s so strange letting a learning expert shave you. You’re only getting better, it shows.”

“I agree, for starters you’re really bad at it.”

“I wouldn’t start with that.” Roy removes the towel briefly for more effect. It works, sometimes. Usually Moss ignores him.

“Actually Jen said-”

“Okay, fine.” he drops the towel back on his face.

“Point being, this is good right. Barbers are expensive and I can never get the tip right.”

“Did you try that latest algorithm I sent you, it takes care of 5 more variables.”

“But is that enough Moss? Is that enough?”

“Well it can’t be 100% accurate.”

“Yes, then there’s shaving myself which was already discussed, it’s not bad but every other week it gets-”

“Actually Jen said-”

“Moving on! Now here it gets a little weird. Kathy apparently is a trained hairdresser. So when I explained to her you know, our current situation. She says and I quote, ‘I can shave you.’”

Moss stares at him, “Isn’t that-

“Perfect.”

“Ridiculous.”

“Moss what?” Roy gets up, he was sure Moss would share his concerns, “You have been practising this for such a long time. How can I take this away from you?”

“I understand, Roy. But-”

They were facing each other now, the towel smelled of lilac a from a gel they had found comforting and decided to use. There was an open bottle of aloe vera on the table next to them, something Jen had tossed towards them, head shaking at the sight of Roy’s bandaged cheeks on Mondays.

Moss stares at his hands, shakes his head a little and moves towards the table to put some aloe on his hands. He applies it on his cheek in slow circles letting the gel absorb. “Roy it’s just that I didn’t say this before but-” He hesitates and Roy is reminded of their first session. The fumbling, awkwardness, head butting. A whole lot of head butting.

“It’s just your face.” Moss tilts his head to the side.

“…And”

Moss blinks, the picture of innocence.

“That’s it. ‘It’s just your face.’” He air quotes but seriously Moss had given him nothing. “That’s your whole reason? What it’s a bad thing? I thought you were getting better at it. Jen said-”

Moss whispers into the void.

“I didn’t hear that Moss.”

“The butt of a baby.”

“The butt of a baby! Moss! That’s what she said.” This time it was Moss who goes a little red. “The butt cheeks of an adorable little baby. And you know what comes next Moss.” Roy points repeatedly in the general direction of his throat.

“A Greek Adonis.”

“Um what.”

“Statues are hairless Roy.”

“That wasn’t the part I was curious about, but okay.”

Roy straightens his back and Moss shifts way back, “What I am saying is you’ve got experience and look where we are today. I can’t do this whole journey again, it’ll completely undo what we’ve done for so many days.”

“I can’t stop thinking of your face, Roy.”

“Isn’t that good?”

“I’m not sure.”

“Look, that’s your experience talking. You’ve worked on this so hard.”

“It’s okay Roy.” The gel’s completely absorbed but Moss’ fingers are still rubbing comforting circles on his cheek, “I told you it keeps changing, it’ll be new for Kathy but it’s new for me too. Many times. It’s just as I said, it’s your face.”

“So you don’t want to look at it anymore, is that what you’re saying?”

“Well, Roy I look at it every day. At work, after work.”

“You’re sick of it, aren’t you.”

“I can’t get a grasp on it.”

“That’s not true, Moss. You know that’s not true.” He catches his wrist, so Moss is forced to look at him, “The very opposite of it is true and it’s right in front of you.”

“Okay.” Moss sighs.

It doesn’t sound like a victory.

Moss takes the shaving gel and rubs it down his throat, he does it quickly but it’s still ticklish. Roy gasps then bursts into a laugh, it’s terribly infectious. In a matter of seconds, they’re reduced to a fit of giggles, Moss holds Roy’s shoulder while Roy’s fingers travel from his chest to Moss’ hip so that he doesn’t fall.

“Hey, Moss.” Moss looks at him, there’s foam on his nose as he reaches for the towel to wipe his hands. Roy places his thumb on his wrist, just over the rapidly thrumming pulse of his heart.

“I trust you.”

Moss nods, absolutely serious. The next few minutes seem like hours. Roy’s throat is parched and he wishes for water like nothing else but he resists gulping and instead focusses on how Moss’ fingers move above him. He doesn’t open his eyes, lets the subtle pressure here and there tell him what Moss is up to. It’s so overwhelming, if Roy opens his eyes he’s sure his nerves would short circuit.

“Okay Roy, you can open your eyes.” Roy gulps, the surroundings appear blurry after closing his eyes for a while. He closes them again. Blood or water, blood or water, blood or water.

“Is that aftershave Moss?” Roy’s nose wrinkles. If it is, Moss has got it very right.

“Yes” Moss beams. His skin does feel very airy. Moss was right, it’s an airy place.

Moss leans towards the table to grab the water spray he always carries with him, one that comes in handy for Roy’s situation too now.

“There’s a few hairs that fell down your chest Roy.” Moss looks down, he bites his lip like he can’t figure out how to solve this one.

“That’s okay! I’ll clean it up.” When he opens his eyes again he becomes very aware of the fact that Moss hasn’t moved. He waits for him to move and then becomes even more aware of his hand on Moss’ hip which could be the reason he was so reluctant to move. He pats his hip, regretting it the instant and shifts towards the end of the sofa.

Thankfully, the basin is inside unlike his previous apartment.

“I’ll be right back.”

⌘

Once in the bathroom Roy inspects his face with growing marvel. What was the thing Moss said? A hairless statue. He was as hairless as the ugly sphinx cat Jen wanted to adopt in some sort of a midlife crisis. He spends a good five minutes touching every part of his face. It is honestly too much, he can be Moss’ blank canvas for the rest of his life.

He gets an itch and on second thought he should just take a shower, he pokes his head out the door “Moss go ahead with the movie, it’ll take a few minutes!”

He’s not wearing those clothes again obviously howsoever mistaken Jen is about his wardrobe. And yes, he just wants to add he owns multiple hoodies, he doesn’t ‘apishly’ recycle the same ones. He had at least 5 different colours for the whole week, Jen can think whatever she wants. Some people cannot apparently distinguish between shades.

After the quick shower he dashes through the living room on the way to his room hoping to escape Moss’ gaze, he chooses to avoid shouting a warning since that would end up attracting attention instead. He reaches his room and pops open the almirah. When he gets his clothes, and shuts the door Moss’ face appears out of nowhere. He really can’t be blamed for what comes next.

At least Moss has the good sense and reflexes to turn around in time.

“Moss! What are you doing here?!” He picks the towel back up and clutches it around him.

“I was avoiding this situation, I think.”

He wants to wave his hands in despair, “I don’t think that’s possible now.”

“Okay, I-”

“Wait, I’ll leave. You stay here.”

“But isn’t it more convenient if I leave and you change-”

“Moss listen to me.” He wildly gestures in between them, wordlessly repeating his instructions, “You got it?”

Moss angles his head upwards like he’s offering a silent prayer, “I don’t. What do you want me to do?”

“Okay, that’s the bed.”

“Yes.”

He keeps shouting instructions as he slowly backs out from the room.

“Go sit there, don’t move”

“I will be right back.”

“I said! Don’t move!”

In the safe sanctity of his hoody, Roy leaves the living room and sees Moss sitting on the bed without moving a muscle.

“Wow. That was the most intense game of freeze I’ve ever played.” Moss says.

“I’ve got the trilogy boxset there Moss.”

“The original trilogy of Star Wars I hope.”

“Wait, you wanted to see the original? I heard the initial.”

Moss sits on the sofa reassured by what he sees on the screen, “I think that’s enough of the practical jokes, Roy.”

Roy chuckles.

They dim the lights and Roy doesn’t know if it’s the room or quite frankly his hairless face that makes it seem like he has loftily expanded outwards occupying an infinite space. Beside him, Moss too gradually loosens as he relaxes or tires from holding himself too tightly Roy can’t tell.

“About what you said earlier Moss. I know if given the chance people can learn.” Moss lightly wrings his hands together.

“It just takes a few trials and errors Roy. Computers learn, humans learn.” Roy sighs but masks it under a side stretch.

“I know. It’s just that it’s hard to change something which is already so good? And really don’t tell me that it can get better. I’ve heard that a million times.”

“Well, think about it like this Roy. You’re stuck with me in the IT department in the basement. When we get a call from upstairs, it can be a little annoying but when you do go up and meet people on the top floors. It’s worth it, isn’t it?”

“Okay.” Roy slinks downwards adjusting to Moss’ more comfortable frame. Moss always had different ways of thinking about things, Roy had seen how right he was at times.

“Good.” Moss says above him, his voice a whisper over the lightsabre action. Then he says out a bit louder, “I’m sure there will come a time when you meet someone there and it clicks for both of you. What’s a few hiccups in the beginning, it’ll all make sense.”

“Well for now, it makes me feel really dizzy and I honestly bit my tongue last week saying ‘Switch on and off’ and that’s something, it’s the only thing I say.”

“But it is like a tongue twister.”

“You’re right. I had half a mind to buy this huge poster with general steps you can take for any problem and paste it right in front of their faces.” Roy says.

Moss brushes his shoulder, “We send it out every month in the mail.”

“Yeah and we had our annual seminar. But people hardly anyone came because they didn’t give us a budget for snacks.” Roy says.

“Things are changing so fast, you’d think people would be paying more attention.” Moss says.

On the forums, Roy had read a some posts while he was running the maintenance software. It helped to stay updated for the hobby he had taken up, for he thought it was just that, a hobby. Every time he tried picking up from where he left his project, the world seemed to buzz past at lightning speed.

Roy commented on the latest shares. Sometimes, he’d even get a little free time and write a small fix just for fun. “The upgrades are rolling out faster than before.” Roy says. “Programmers are really in demand right now.”

Moss says, “Yes, I heard Archie changed his job.”

“Again? Didn’t he change it last month?”

Moss nods.

“You know Paul, the one I had that total misunderstanding with. He updated his LinkedIn status, he’s working in cybersecurity now.” He trails away, Douglas didn’t even know what cybersecurity was.

Roy had made sure to update his own profile in capital letters, ‘NOT a window cleaner, P.S. not that it’s a bad job. P.P.S. I work in IT by the way.’ Paul was yet to accept his request.

Moss had straightened his back again, making it slightly uncomfortable to lean against, but Roy can manage. There is a bizarre sensor like thing in Moss that responds to him, the more he sinks down, the more Moss adjusts to him. But the thing is, he doesn’t know if Moss is more at ease as Roy breaks the tension or he’s simply used to that additional strain.

“Have you thought of applying for other jobs?” Moss asks.

Roy scratches his neck, “Not really. Things are great the way they are.”

He thinks of asking him the same but it’s as if the words are unable to leave his throat, fearing Moss’ answer. Instead, he says-

“Are you staying over for dinner?”

“Actually, I should start packing my bags. I got a call from HR and they booked my ticket for next week.”

“For that assignment?”

“Yes, the packing system I have is one for domestic travel but you know how it is. Suitable adjustments need to be made.”

Roy didn’t know actually, Moss hadn’t left for some place so far since he had joined the company. On the word packing system a smile chokes his cheeks. It’s just so Moss.

“And you’ll be back in no time?” Roy’s mostly speaking to himself.

“A month.” he hears Moss say.

“No time.” he repeats to himself.

⌘

He drops Moss at the airport on Friday despite hearing him talk about the advantages in hiring a taxi and _Roy I’m okay_ or _Roy it’s okay_ or _Roy it’s going to be okay_.

The guard’s withering stare barely gives him 5 minutes for farewell and so without thinking he immediately scoops Moss in a bone crushing hug. Moss feels like a warm hearth and it’s a gray winter in London, he doesn’t want to let go.

He leaves before Moss reaches the departure gates. He doesn’t know if Moss looks back, and it is a choice Roy makes to not know. He doesn’t know what he would have done otherwise.

The weekend passes as uneventfully a movie marathon does. He replaces all the water in his body with sugary fluids, does occasional airplane tracking on FlightTracker reassured by the steadily moving little plane icon and eats cereal for dinner. He eyes a stain on the sofa, the white of the shaving cream has dried to a grayish wet spot and scratches his chin.

The plane lands and Moss sends him a message, Roy replies with _best of luck :) :)_.

Before leaving for work he puts on aftershave and runs his hands on the tiny hairs that have sprung up on his cheeks. He doesn’t bother with shaving, the memory of phantom hands angling his chin still on his mind.

Jen stares at Moss’ chair whenever she leaves and once calls out his name sitting in her room.

“I keep forgetting, it’s like a weird dream.”

Roy thinks, “Funny that all my dreams have Moss.”

⌘

A few days pass by and Roy realizes that it isn’t exactly fun that makes days go faster as people generally say. Fun days for Roy were those which made him want to be in that day, to be present to listen to Moss’ plans or watch a forwarded link or just see his silhouette from the corner of his eye while working on his computer.

Now days went by before he knew it and the only indication that it did was his changing work log. He and Moss had once hacked into the program and tweaked their logs. Moss’ hands were shaking but his eyes were electric. Later they went back to status quo not wanting to relive the days of working outside the reaches of authority like the day bunk trip with some national security level consequences.

Moss sends him long emails describing where he’s staying, there was a training session before work began which included HR sessions and even some on cybersecurity for everyone not just IT. _Everything’s different but in a good way. There are some people who watch my youtube channel and like it. Roy, it was so embarrassing, they were calling themselves fans._

He’ll attach photos of a coffee mug or the training brochure. Then there’s also a group photo from his training, Moss stands in the second row to the side with someone’s arm around his shoulder.

Roy would respond to his mails within minutes, usually with photos of Jen, the only thing that changed in his background but as he opens the window to respond to the latest one he keeps glancing at Moss’ smiling face and the person next to him. He closes his email and doesn’t respond till the next day.

One of his favorite pictures from Moss is taken during a sunset on the day he landed, it’s a little hazy and the angle’s off so Moss is probably alone. He’s raised his left hand in a thumbs up like an avid tourist and the lens reflecting the sun makes his smile shine. It feels like Roy’s taken it, he’s horrible at taking photos but it doesn’t matter because there were no bad photos of Moss.

Roy was just admiring the picture again when Moss’ skype ID pops up on his screen. He picks it up ignoring Jen’s knowing smile.

“H-hey Moss.”

“Hi Roy.” His voice is like an open forest and Roy’s heart is a dancing creature inside of it like out of a Disney animated movie. He really needs to find more friends.

“You’re not busy are you?”

“No no, just setting up Jen’s projector. You know how she is.”

“Yeah.”

There’s a silence and thankfully Moss has called from a place with wi-fi or each second could cost an arm and a leg.

He can’t believe how much he wants to see his face and maybe he can, he blurts “Moss you’re in a place with wi-fi right.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“Can I video call you instead?”

“Um Roy I have to return after lunch so I don’t think I have more than a few minutes. I’m sorry.”

Roy decides not to push it. Moss’ emails were detailed enough but a week had passed by without seeing his face.

“Isn’t Jen leaving early for a date though?”

“How did you know?”

“The photo you sent me earlier and she messaged me about it in caps lock.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“I thought she had accidentally pressed it.”

“Believe me since the day of the proposal all her caps lock are intentional now.”

Moss laughs. Roy feels wonderful.

“And how are you?”

His chest feels warm, “Well work’s the usual.” Roy starts, and he thinks about all the movies he watched in a week, twice as many as with Moss in the same time, apparently they just paused the movie a lot to talk. There were also a few rom coms he tried watching but it wasn’t the same without Moss predicting the storylines down to a T.

He hears Moss laugh loudly, “Yes, save a seat for me please.” There’s a shuffling sound and he hears someone saying, “Moss I can’t save you a seat, this is America we don’t have lines to queue up in, we have to go and grab.” There’s another movement, possibly the grabbing and Roy hears Moss breathe into the call saying, “Wait, Chris. Hey, Roy so the session started a bit early though it doesn’t say so on the schedule um but there’s a rush for the seats. I’ll call you later?”

“S-sure.” The end beeps definitively.

⌘

“Top of the day Roy, on your way up.”

“Oh you’d miss me so Jen.”

Jen glances at Moss’ seat, it’s meant to be quick so Roy doesn’t comment on it. “Maybe, but I better not get any complaints. There’s a big meeting coming up next week and everyone’s on edge. We’re department heads but what’s the best we’re doing? Meeting over tea and biscuits to discuss it. I don’t know. I swear it’s one idiotic thing after the other, I knew playing those role play games would have a blowback but this.” Jen’s voice lowers and her forehead creases.

“Is this top management related?” With bosses like these it was a miracle they were ever not on edge so to speak.

“You didn’t hear anything.”

“I mean nothing that makes sense Jen.”

The phone’s piercing wails sounded again, “Look I’m getting more complaints.”

Roy rolls his eyes, “Let that ring, it’s probably the same person. Pressing the lift button won’t bring it up faster.”

“Oh that reminds me the lift’s broken.”

“Computers break. lift’s break but somehow that stupid telephone works through the apocalypse.”

“You didn’t hear anything from me Roy.”

“Huh?” Roy looks at her dangling from the door side. “You saying something?” he shouts and the telephone rattles like a war drum.

“I said-” She screams and Roy just backs off because he really can’t hear Jen anymore.

⌘

It seems like Jen was always in some or the other meeting, he only remembers a blurred image of her getting and leaving her things. Once she calls out, “I seriously don’t know how we’ll survive this.” then pasted a smile on her face and went up for yet another meeting.

The day’s slow, he’s already wolfed down the sandwich he had brought for lunch and emailed Moss all his latest finds on the net. It’s silent, too silent.

There’s only room for his thoughts, to escape the whirring of his mind he quickly presses the print command. The arcane printer which interrupted their conversations sucks in paper, mashing ink cartridges and wheezing out sheets. Roy heaves a sigh of relief.

He picks up the prints and spreads them on his table, putting more on flat surfaces like a mind map. It had started as all good things do, in boredom.

Roy would write down user complaints in his notebook, starting a blog with the list of complaints he encountered every day beginning from _I had tea near my computer and now it won’t work_.

To the tea problem which was surprisingly a recurring one, he designed a pop up which would alert the user every hour of hot beverages and their proximity to the computer. Sadly more than once the alert backfired and the pop up ended up scaring a new employee to spill his cup.

The complaints were expectedly mundane and repetitive, and soon Roy lost interest in trying to deal with them. When he’d leave the basement, he knew that the same problems would be waiting for him as they had countless times before.

Roy stopped updating his blogs, he became used to the indifference or mild annoyance of people who’d call him upstairs waiting for him to fix the same problem he fixed just days ago.

Roy picks a pen and looks down at the codes- some short term fixes and others adaptable to bigger systems.

Sighing, he opens a file with a code he was working on for months here and there, it had turned from a fun activity to one he’d spent hours on. Roy pretends he’s on a typewriter as he punches the keys to drown the silence till he loses himself in the text editor.

It’s another hour before the phone rings.

⌘

The wi-fi is patchy so Moss’ messages are few in between. Roy stops refreshing Skype and instead turns to code the odd feeling of emptiness inside of him.

He’d always lose himself in parts of the code before, feeling like a kid coding in a loop putting out useless strings that didn’t work together.

Recently, that weird voice inside him that questioned everything and made him stop was replaced by an urge to complete what he had started.

It kept him busy from his thoughts or till the next phone call. Some days he missed lunch but whenever Roy opened Skype there was always a message waiting from Moss. 

A week passes by and Roy feels every minute of it, he doesn’t bother to shave but when it comes to meeting his mother, it’s something that cannot be delayed.

When he reaches the restaurant he hopes his Ma is busy with the menu to notice that he’s late. Usually he’s lucky, she goes out of her way and asks the server twice about every new dish before making up her mind.

“You broke up with your girlfriend.” she says putting down her menu.

“Hello to you too.” He bends down to kiss her cheek, “So, how long did it last? It must be within this week.”

“And how are you doing?” Roy continues, trying to bother with the daily script his mother is clearly above of.

She slides the menu towards him, “I’m great.” She smoothens her hair, a bright pink, but no one saw Roy pointing to the obvious when he sat down.

“There can only be a break up if there was a girl, Ma.”

“There was someone.” She responds, which stereotypes aside no one with pink hair dye in their late 60s should be able to pinpoint with such accuracy.

His cheeks were red from the morning he fussed over his face, scratching here and there, overdoing the foam in some places and barely using any in other places. He had sat on it for so long that when he finally went over to the barber with his tundra like appearance, he expected a refusal of service.

Now his face itches, he’s pretty sure he’s the first to give himself an infection while shaving with a brand new razor and his mother is jumping to conclusions better than the sky diving trip she went on last month. At least the trip had some training before she dove in headfirst.

“Mum you could ask me straight, but never mind, the answer remains the same, there is no one to break up with because I was not dating in the first place.” he says taking in a deep breath.

Her purses her lips and hums, “Well, don’t work yourself up too much dear, let’s order.”

They eat, it’s Roy’s favorite time of the lunch. It’s the whole purpose of the lunch as Moss would say while they ate. Roy scratches his chin and winces.

“How is work?”

“The usual.”

She folds her hands and perks up, “Sorry.” he clears his throat with some soda, “How is life, Ma?” She rolls her eyes, “There isn’t enough time left for that.” which is true, she was fairly active on family e-mail chains with a daily update of all her activities. He couldn’t do half of what she did every day even in a whole month.

“How is Moss?” She says.

“He’s great. He um has gone for a company trip to the States.”

“Ah, but I love what he was doing to your face.” She lightly brushes a thumb on his chin where he always had trouble with. One day Moss had shaved it with perfection, granted it was the only spot he had worked on, he’d wanted to rub it on Moss to make him feel the absolute wonder he was feeling but settled on Moss lightly stroking it with the pad of his thumb.

“That’s a shame, I remember when your father went out to get a shave. Those days barbers used to do a wonderfully close shave. Really brought out the face.”

She wasn’t joking about that, she had been staring at him their last lunch together like he had gotten a makeover.

“C’mon Ma, Moss wasn’t shaving me.” he says with a careless laugh. But her inquiries ended up being so absurd and uncannily on target that there was never a chance to lie downright without looking foolish.

“Then it must be a good shop, they don’t do it like before. Mark was telling me that they can’t even reuse the brush nowadays. Well, it’s good that you’ve found a place where they get it right.” She looks down at his plate.

“Speaking of, you’re looking different.”

“Oh, you finally noticed”, she says raising her brows. “I got this done in a salon in Brighton and it didn't last a week. I have to find a better place."

“I’m sure you’ll find one.” As they order she chats with the waitress about a salon nearby. He smiles into his drink.

“Fish and chips, you and your dad.” She smiles looking at his plate. “If I didn’t insist, he didn’t even bother asking for the menu.”

“When it works, it works right.” he bites off a chip.

“That it does, you know when we were shifting after-” Roy nods, words weren’t really needed. Usually his mom was bustling through life like she couldn’t get enough of it but whenever she remembered, she slowed down, achingly so.

Roy didn’t remember his dad, his memories were like looking through a car window watching trees blur. Roy had seen pictures of himself as a baby held up in strong arms.

“He used to write journals. Everyday. There was one time when all he did was read the morning newspaper, call the plumber and read a book.” She adds with a laugh. “He recorded each moment like it deserved to be written about.”

“What I actually wanted to say.” she takes a reassuring breath, “When we shifted, I was in a hurry, I didn’t check what all I was bringing, I was sure that I had lost his journals or given them away with his clothes. I know I live life fast Roy, believe me I do. But I thought if I slowed down then, to sit and contemplate” she lets out a breath, “I wasn’t sure if I’d get up again.”

Roy had been too young to understand how to grieve while his mom was too young and afraid of it.

“And now when I’m reading through them, I think you didn’t get a chance to say goodbye the way you wanted to.” She hands him over a journal, Roy can feel the weight of it. “It’s from the period just before you were born.”

Roy keeps them on his knees looking at the edges browning with time and takes in a shaking breath, “Thank you.” She touches his hand, “Now Clarice has already booked me an appointment so I have to dash.”

“Don’t bother with that.” he puts a hand on her fingers going through the purse. “When should I return this?”

“Keep them.” She stands, “Your dad went to a barbershop down the street ever since he found it after we shifted. I know you’ll stick with yours too.” She smiles.

Roy’s heart squeezes.

⌘

Roy lets the TV run in the backdrop and gulps a beer, he’s almost at the end of his six pack. He codes for a while, letting the comfort of the clacking of his keyboard lull him. Later, he reads up on technical aspects of up-and-coming interfaces on forums.

He picks up the journal and reads a few pages, his mom was right, his dad was meticulous.

There are detailed accounts of a building his dad was designing in London. Much of the journal is full of technicalities of architecture and frustrations related to a change demanded by the client again.

He realizes he’s halfway and maybe his dad was a bit too much of a workaholic, he messages his mom who texts back _He loved his work Roy, but he worked longest on his own house._

Roy thinks of his own work and pulls out his laptop, scrolling through and hating it more and more as minutes tick by. He had mailed a copy to Moss but he knew it was riddled with open ended paths, he had immediately written to him again saying _sorry_ _it isn’t finished_ and Moss had written back _take your time._

As and when the code became too complex for situations it needed to address, Roy remembered that simplicity is everything. When it became too simple, Roy thought of himself as a fool.

He closes the laptop, sighs and puts his hands on his face wincing.

He flips ahead a few pages of the journal and there is a drawing of a cabinet with neat measurements labeling each side.

“…Martha has shown me enough colors to last a lifetime. Yet her zeal for finding another new thing, a new decoration she sees in a magazine makes us go to a farther shop in the hopes of finding it. But she’s right, he will notice the colors from day one. The cabinet needs to be sturdy enough for his clothes for his growing years…” the words in the journal swim together and he closes it carefully, keeping it on the table.

He drinks another can and then stares at himself in the bathroom mirror and scrapes his finger against raw cheeks, “Dad, if you were here I think you could still see me in my puberty.” he snorts.

He goes outside and his phone buzzes, “Hey Roy.”

Tears prick his eyes, he checks his watch. “Hi, I missed you.” he wants to mentally kick himself but even that instinct’s slowed down.

He blinks and realizes that the call’s been disconnected. He sees his screen flashing again and this time it’s a video call, there’s Moss’ picture and Roy clicks on it before it vanishes.

“You sound ill.” It’s Moss’ worrying face.

Roy runs a hand over his face like he hadn’t regretted that moments ago. “And your face is very, very red.”

“It’s the beer.” He shrugs.

“You’ve cut yourself.” Moss’ hands motion towards the camera like he can do something from so far away. Roy touches his chin and sighs, “Don’t worry, it’ll heal.” Not like he can feel anything.

“My mom gave me dad’s journal.” he says quietly. 

“Yeah?”

“Moss, can you miss someone you never knew?”

“I think it’s like missing someone you know.” Moss inhales, “Roy, it’s okay if you don’t know how to feel. It can be too much, it’ll come to you.”

“But with him, the only thing I can do is miss him, you know.”

Moss nods and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

“Now that I have this. I don’t know if it’s better or worse.” Roy says.

“It’s something.” Moss says, “If it makes you sad right now maybe it’ll be something that makes you happy one day too.” God, he missed him.

Roy touches the journal fondly, “It’s so good to see you, Moss. Even if my face is a mess.” he laughs wiping another tear.

“It looks perfect, I missed it.” Roy turns red till he thinks he’ll combust, his heart beats faster. “And Jen” Moss raises his eyebrows. “I missed Jen too.”

Roy chuckles, “Jen misses you too, well she’s too busy in meetings so I kind of miss her too.”

“Martha misses me too, I got her message.” That makes the haze go away for a second, “What?!”

Moss displays his phone, “Yeah, she texted me yesterday saying I’ve got a steady hand and that my brushing technique is great. I think she remembers the cake I made for her last birthday, that icing required a lot of concentration.”

Roy palms his face spreading the blood, she’ll be the end of him.

“Okay, enough with the missing business.” he smiles weakly. “I have to update you with a lot of work stuff, a week to go and you’ll be back.” Roy resists the smile from spreading so wide.

“Is training over now?”

“Yeah work starts this week, they showed us around. The IT department’s on the second floor along with another department. There are also others from different companies sent on a similar assignment, like you heard Chris that day then there’s Eve. She’s also from London.” Moss says.

“Yeah, you mentioned them.” Roy says, “I was a bit worried to be honest, I was counting down days.”

Moss smiles, “You don’t need to do that anymore.” And something about that just hits him in a completely wrong way, Roy tries to ignore it.

“Nothing out of ordinary to report here, officer.” he mock salutes, and the smile twitches into a laugh, “Just Jen and me, oh and she sends me photos of her salads on Facebook at times.”

“Photos?”

“She’s super busy in some or the other meetings or it could be micromanaging Douglas as usual.”

“You’ve been alone there?”

“You don’t have to make it sound so sad, Moss.” For all the excitement he had for video calls, he didn’t want Moss to see his face right now.

“It’s okay, I’m going to be back in no time.” Moss throws back his own words and Roy instantly feels warm hearing Moss say them.

“Yeah, you’ll be back in no time.”

He tries to get up but his feet feel like lead, he sees Moss’ forehead crease. “Hey, plug in your headphones.”

He puts them on, “Focus on my voice?” Moss is biting his lip like when he plays Mario Kart and his car is losing control spinning into Roy’s lane, he guides him to his room with gentle instructions, Roy’s knee only bumps once as he crashes down on his bed.

“They’ve been showing Star Trek in Leicester Square.” Roy says. “I’d say, it can’t get better than that in the States.”

“Well, Barbara- she’s our organizer, she thought that we won’t have things planned to do here so she actually made an itinerary as a group. Sometimes, it feels like I’m back at college again.”

“Yeah, like game-a-thons and movie marathons?”

“More like going out and partying.” The earphones make it sound like Moss’ back here sitting next to him, “You won’t believe Roy but people in IT are kind of cool here.” he says in awe.

“No.”

Moss chuckles, his voice reverberates inside of him. “Yeah. I don’t have to make up sports facts to make people pay attention.”

“So, have they been paying attention?” he licks his lips.

Moss stutters and icy fingers grip him, “Well on the first weekend, there were a lot of bars. That’s all I can remember. Luckily, Jen messaged me a great hangover recipe.”

“Better now?” Moss hums and it warms his insides, lessening the strange feeling he had.

“Well you never liked drinking and loud bars. What about other places?” he says as he grabs a pillow and wraps an arm around it.

“There’s a coffee shop next to the office and they start baking around the time I come.” Moss says.

“Coffee shops sound cozy.”

“They do. This one’s-” Moss starts describing the cakes they had on display, the smells and _the carrot cake is heavenly_ , and _Roy I would have got one for you but security does not take too kindly to food on the plane and honestly I think it’ll go bad, you have to have it here._

Then he starts talking about what he was surprised to find they did not allow in the plane.

But Roy’s mind continues going back to the image of Moss sitting across someone, coffee in hand and a list of coffee related facts to go with it. It wasn’t long ago when he had seen Moss step outside one hand in hand with someone as Roy stood outside scanning the magazine aisle.

He doesn’t hear much after that as he succumbs to sleep and murmurs into his pillow “Kissing in front of a coffee shop looks much better than kissing in front of a garbage dump.”

When he gets up and places his laptop back on the table, the grey stain on his sofa is lighter and he can’t remember when Moss hung up.

⌘

Jen’s missing from work again. Roy catches himself right before his chair teeters on the edge to a Skype enabled alert from Moss after he’s emailed him an improved version of his code: _Ludwig van Beethoven grabbed ideas while napping in his carriage._

Roy smiles and responds: _Are you telling me to sleep on the job?_ Roy gets a security update and spends the next hour running maintenance checks in a tiny window while he codes then pauses to work out a solution. He runs a hand on his cheek against hair growing into a softer stubble.

His phone rings and for a second he feels comforted to switch to his routine, the code was giving him a headache.

“Did you turn it off and on again?”

Douglas chuckles, “Hey, IT man. Why do I always get your voicemail?”

“I have a name and that is not-” He clears his throat.

“IT man.” he says in a rousing baritone. “It says I have to change my password, I don’t see why I have to do that.”

Roy sighs into his hand, he and Moss had decided to install an automatic password alert every 3 months to lock down accounts if not changed.

“It’s to prevent anyone from-”

“Anyway! You know how I cannot understand all that technical information. It’s why I have guys in the basement.” Roy chuckles weakly.

“I also have to return to an important meeting.” he stresses on the last word, “I’d like if you can come to my room and change the password, my laptop is on the table.”

Roy holds the phone an inch across his face, “Sir, I suggest you don’t leave-” he’s met with dialer tone. “Oh for God’s sake.”

He drags himself to the Douglas’ room, doesn’t bother with knocking. He’s about to tell him that it’s exactly how a hacker can step into his computer but Douglas isn’t there so his insolence and lesson are wasted. Speaking of, much is wasted on his boss.

He sends a message to Moss filled with emojis they’d downloaded using the Japanese keyboard.

The laptop is open to his email and Roy isn’t even surprised anymore. It flashes with a new mail and Roy’s unable to shield his eyes like when Jen’s phone flashes with her matchmaking updates and he has to remind himself of another’s privacy.

The subject is in all caps and it says, ‘It’s on, 51% equity in Reynholm. Sudden death.’

⌘

Roy puts his head between his knees and thinking of life as an ostrich when Jen arrives.

“He’s selling us out!”

Richmond pats him and folds his arms, “You know I was right here while you were sitting on that information and did not bother to tell me. Do I not exist in your selfish world? Am I invisible to your whims and perception of reality?”

Roy blinks, “Huh, you were here?”

“Selling us out? What are you talking about?”

“I was up there setting up his password when I accidentally saw his email, Jen.” he looks right into her eyes, “He’s betting the company.”

“Now, hold on.”

“Why are you so calm about this? And where have you been?”

Jen sighs, “So as you know I have certain entertainment responsibilities, although Mr. Douglas has now told us to call them meetings.”

“Wait a second, Jen. Did you know about this?”

“Listen, Roy. Come into my office.”

“I will not stand for this.” Richmond follows him, Roy shuts the door on his face.

A multitude of emotions run through him, “They play poker now in the entertainment parties and trust me I made sure to make him bet his house before it came to the company.”

“But-” he sputters, “This should be illegal, I think we can shut it down.” Jen’s eyes dim.

“It’s not bad.”

“What?”

“The company that we’ll be merged into, it’s not bad. Maybe it’s for the best. Maybe under the new boss things get better?” she entangles her fingers and then wrings them apart.

Roy clenches his fist, “Can you say that for sure?”

“What do you want me to say? Do you think I want to have someone like him running the company anymore? Someone who-who would bet his own company?” She fists a hand on her chest.

“Yeah, that’s why let’s put a stop to this Jen.”

“How do I do that? I don’t think there are any laws stopping someone from giving up what they own.” she sits down and looks at him, her gaze now softer, “Roy, working here. Don’t you think it’s long overdue that we were going to leave sooner or later.” She twists the ring in her finger.

“I know it’s not the most stable place to work.” he cracks a smile, “but it’s been going for a while and-” he bites the inside of his cheek.

“Okay, I have a confession to make.” she raises her hands, “When I came here, believe it or not I had zero experience in IT. I remember during my interview I was just making things on the go.” she shakes her head.

“Huh, hard to believe that.” he rubs his chin.

“Shut up.” she smiles.

“I can’t let this go through, Jen. I-I can’t.”

“Why?”

His phone buzzes to a Skype alert, _Are you sure you don’t want to put this up on OpenSource Roy? It looks great._

“I can’t let things change.”

He thinks of years of looking across a messy room with garbage, knickknacks and finding a reassured smile growing like a daisy in between cement cracks.

“Sometimes Roy, you don’t get to decide.”

“Hey, look on the bright side, what if he wins the bet?” he says.

Jen’s already shaking her head, “You won’t find me betting on that.”

⌘

Roy stares at cursor hovering over his last line of code. Sighing he switches screens and glances at the comments under a user’s post who was popular on the forum.

 _Take it easy, Code every day, Don’t let a day’s output throw you off_. It’s good advice, Roy nods to himself as his fingers shake. Seasoned programmers have stood by it and it’s what he’s followed, but as he recaps his post every line, every logic and every argument looks ordinary, redundant.

He opens up his browser and there’s a number of openings for jobs with a similar profile, some are even as close as Reynholm’s office, yet he keeps coming back to his text editor like the symbols are performing a weird hypnosis over him.

Usernames with millions of points of experience swim in front of him. He’s marveled at their talent, stared at their work till it’s been imprinted in his mind. He’s nowhere close. Roy pinches his nose, they were leaps and bounds ahead of him.

His phone buzzes, it’s a message from Jen: _seeing job openings and feel proud applying for an IT manager’s position. Who cares about work ex, fake it till you make it :D_

Roy laughs, rubs his eyes with his hands and closes the tabs. He ends up coding till midnight and bookmarks some posts, later he falls asleep and dreams in technicolor strings and arrays. 

⌘

“I can feel you. That unexpected fall into the abyss.”

“Were you listening through the door?” Roy shuts it behind him, there was still no news.

“Yes, since there the people working here are incredibly impudent to even invite their colleague into a meeting. Fortunately I was able to piece it together myself with my sleuthing skills.”

“It wasn’t a meeting and didn’t you listen to half of it when Jen and I were talking outside?”

Richmond puts a hand on his chest.

“Trust me when you have suffered a fall like me, small shockers like the company going down is news you digest before breakfast.”

“It hasn’t gone down yet.” Roy glances at Moss’ desk.

“Although what is happening is breaking a number of company laws, security trading laws and frankly civil laws.” Richmond counts on his fingers, “In fact, if this information is made public then there is no way that this can go ahead.”

“Made public, you mean like leaked?”

“Well, I moonlight as a whistleblower on days I feel like being productive. Fighting the injustice of being a cog in the corporate wheel.”

Roy stares at him, “Wait, and you are technically an employee.”

“Yes, that is why it is not like I have been spying here.” Richmond raises his hands. “Reynholm never bothered to terminate me and his son probably doesn’t even know if I exist.”

“Is that right?” Roy says, “So if you happen to leak this information to the authorities, it can be stopped?”

“Injunction is the technical word.” Richmond examines his nails, “I have a certain knowledge of legalese from prior experience, you could say. However, since you shut the door on my face I can’t really say what I have to leak.”

“Interesting.” he folds his arms across his chest after Roy’s recounted everything, “I feel as if we are in a situation.”

“You don’t want to do it?”

“I have absolutely no issue, in fact it would be the highlight of my time working here. But the way Reynholm Industries is getting mismanaged it’s sure to be shut down if news becomes public. Insider trading is the tip of the iceberg, once everything else comes out in the open then it’s only a matter of time.”

“So it goes down either way?”

“Yes, but if he loses the bet then it will be immediate. On the other hand if this becomes legal, Reynholm won’t back down and take this to court, which means not knowing till everything gets decided. Till then, you will be stuck in a limbo.”

“But the company will run?”

“Sure, the company will run until the court decides and for a long time this company will be in a limbo.”

“Which means it will stay as it is.”

“For a while.” 

“This is right.” Roy says more to himself as he swivels on his chair, “If this company’s shut down then a lot of people would lose jobs.”

“Sure or maybe they’ll get better ones.” Richmond says.

“What would you do?”

“I can’t predict the future.” Richmond says, “It’s a risk either way. But more importantly, I don’t care either way.” he shrugs his shoulders.

“But wouldn’t this affect you too?” Roy asks.

Richmond takes a seat, “How?”

“Don’t you like it here? You can live life the way you want. This thing we’re doing, won’t it put this _lifestyle_ at risk?” he ventures carefully.

Richmond places a finger to his temple, “Ah.”

“Yeah, isn’t it easy to live like this without having to answer questions by people who don’t know better.”

“I agree it’s hard enough with one of you.” Richmond says putting a strand of hair behind his ear and looking his way. Roy flushes.

“I didn’t turn to being who I am out of desperation.” He looks at Roy, and continues dryly “I worked like the quintessential employee trying to achieve the expected landmarks, many times earlier than what’s expected. Promoted by the age of 23 to Assistant Executive, to Senior Executive by 27. They’d even tell you my career was a success.

Everyone attaches a reason to what they think is sudden, but I’ve known this all my life. It’s a choice I made. Can you tell me of anyone brave enough to do the same?”

⌘

Roy pushes the elevator button marked 8.

“Hey, IT problem?”

The person he heard over the phone rotates on his chair and says, “Hey, sorry it wasn’t me but-” he signals behind him and Roy recognizes the familiar face.

“Hi! You never responded.”

“Oh sorry, I might’ve missed it. Well, I’m here now, how can I help?”

For the past few days the he was lost in coding and Richmond had taken over Jen’s office temporarily to fill the whistleblower forms.

“It wasn’t work related.” Her cheeks redden, and Roy finally puts a name to her face, _Kathy_.

Before he can say anything, she takes his hand and takes him to the break room.

“I know it’s a bit forward but there’s this office party round the corner and I was wondering if you’d want to go with me.”

Roy stares, “You were serious about that?” The memory of him telling Moss about Kathy is so distant, he runs a hand through his hair.

“It’s this weekend, so how about it?” Roy bites his lip, “Listen-” she wrings her hands, and holds his wrist, “I love beards.” she lightly touches his chin “As I told you I was a hairdresser so I can do a really good job if you like.”

Roy takes her hands in his, a blush creeping to his face, “I’m sorry, you seem like a lovely person, Kathy. But I have an appointment this weekend with my regular.” A lilac smell wafts in the breakroom. Roy says, “He’s the best and kind of irreplaceable.”

Kathy raises a brow, “It sounds like you’re in love with your barber. I get it, I had some customers who wouldn’t trade parlor day for anything.”

Roy scratches his neck, “Look, my friend said that I should give everything a chance but Kathy to be honest, even if I go out with you to this party my mind will be on someone else and I don’t think that’ll be fair to you.”

Hurt briefly flashes in her eyes, then her gaze softens, “Actually, I’ve had my share of those kind of dates so I understand. I should say thanks for not being a future dick.”

Roy smiles and squeezes her hand, “I take great pleasure in not being that.”

“You look like a nice guy too, I can’t believe I’m saying this after getting rejected.” she laughs and drops his hand. “But what if you change your mind if you give it a try?”

Roy places a hand on his neck, “When you know, you know.”

⌘

At home Roy goes once over his code, his cursor hovering on _Publish_. He fidgets and checks his phone, Jen’s message _Heard from Moss, won’t lie and say I got his explanation but I believe in you Roy <3 _

Roy glances at the clock, it’s not a good time to call Moss. His fingers tentatively pulse as he lets out a sigh and picks up the journal on the table next to the laptop.

Over a few days he had retraced imaginary grooves on pages left in the journal, between the designs of his future and current projects bled his father’s thoughts filled with excitement, fear and anxiety of plans for his own life.

“…The contract nears an end as I supervised the finishing touches (however I don’t like using that term) I don’t know how many families will find shelter under its roof, how many will call it their home. But then and only then will it be complete…”

Roy clicks on _Publish._

⌘

Seeing Jen hasn’t kicked Richmond out, Roy heaves a sigh of relief.

“This doesn’t mean that I agree with this.” she says like she’s read his mind.

“Who told you?”

“Richmond squealed like a pig once I asked him how dare he use my computer.”

“Look at you being so possessive of your computer.” Roy smirks. Jen sighs, “On good days I’ve come to tolerate this job.” Then she looks at him, briefly glancing at Moss’ desk.

She sits in Moss’ chair, “He lost the bet.” she presses a hand on her forehead, “Well it was always the possibility with odds like that.”

“It’s happening, huh.” Roy says.

“I know what you are doing.” She says toying with her ring, “I told you how I felt about it.”

Roy could slow the impending accident like a car magically suspended in thin air but he couldn’t stop it from happening at all.

“With his recent divorce case, Douglas’ odds in court are surprisingly much better.”

“That’s reassuring and I guess-” he scratches his chin, “At least it won’t come as a rude shock and people can get more time to look for other jobs.”

Jen smiles, “That’s far more than what we’ve been used to. A tiny bit of decency.” a tear glistens in her eye, Roy looks away.

“You’re a fighter, Jen.” he looks at her. “Moss’ a dreamer.” his heart aches as he looks towards his table.

“You’re a rock.” she says in return.

“Now, Jen you don’t have to fish so hard to give a compliment.”

She smacks his arm, “I’m serious. you’re like a tree. An anchor or-” she flounders, “A lighthouse.”

“Or drab London weather.” he jokes as his cheeks heat.

She glares at him, “What I mean to say is that you’re _there_. You don’t run, you don’t hide. You stay.”

“Do you think that’s enough?” he whispers.

She leans back, “I’m sitting on Moss’ chair but I can’t answer for him. Does he know about this?” she asks softly.

Roy shakes his head, “Not yet, I thought I’ll tell him in person. Maybe he’ll hear it in the news anyway.” he laughs but his chest feels hollow, “Do you think he’ll leave right away?”

“I hope you’re talking about the job otherwise I’ll hit you.” Jen says and strangely it makes him feel a little bit better.

⌘

A chilly wind greets Roy when he leaves office and checks his watch. Moss should be on his flight, due to arrive tomorrow.

Once he reaches home he examines himself in the mirror, long hairs curl into a full beard he only bothered trimming on alternate days.

Roy checks his inbox and his eyes widen, there are a few mails from the forum. Most of them are positive with constructive advice, there’s even an invite to collab for a future project. Roy reads each line twice and takes his time responding to every post.

When the bell rings he opens his eyes and groans, it’s the middle of the night outside the window, he’d fallen asleep on his sofa. Roy puts down the battery drained laptop from his stomach, stretches and blearily opens the door. It must be a dream.

There’s Moss, the same suitcase by his side which he saw a month ago. If it’s the same Moss, he can’t say for sure.

“You’re early.” he says dumbly. Or late. Did he sleep an entire day? It won’t be the first.

“Yeah.” Moss grins. Before he can disappear, Roy pulls him inside, suitcase in tow. Moss leaves it by the door side, unwrapping his scarf in long motions.

Roy carefully looks at his profile comparing it to his memory, notices the odd flake of snow in his hair.

“I could have picked you up.”

“I wanted to surprise you.”

“I’m in shock. The good one.” he stifles a yawn.

“I’m sorry, I woke you up.” Moss is still standing by the door like something’s holding him back. Roy grips his wrist leading him to the sofa, “Doesn’t matter.” he rubs small circles on his hands trying to warm him up and feels his pulse flutter.

Moss takes his free hand and cups Roy’s cheek, stroking his thumb against it “Looks like you waited.”

Sometimes he feels like a thousand words stick and clog his throat, words he never spoke from before, words he kept to himself like cards in a high stakes game only to lose eventually when a well-placed bluff could have worked, when he could have been lucky enough.

Each moment with Moss sometimes feels like this.

Moss smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes, he puts his hand back on his lap.

“There’s a reason I came back early.” Moss murmurs, “Barbara was happy with my work, I think the others were too.”

“Of course they would be.” Roy smiles, he resists taking back Moss’ hand in his own and pats his shoulder.

“They told me to sit for an interview the next day. After hearing the current situation in the company, I thought about it but in the end I couldn’t and-” Moss looks at him briefly, Roy inhales. “I came here to ask you to forgive me for being selfish.”

And then he kisses him.

Roy swallows a snowflake.

He feels frozen all of a sudden, his heart drums against his ribcage as the air leaves the room.

Roy tries to focus hard when he hears Moss speak but ends up staring at his lips. “It was no… it is too much at times, Roy. Do you remember when I talked about how your face in my dreams while shaving you?”

He nods, his lips burn.

“It just wasn’t your face. When one really thinks, the face only has a fraction of hair than one’s whole body. It was far from an academic or even a friendly exercise.”

Roy’s speechless so he goes with a weak pun, “I hear you.”

Moss’ eyes crinkle and his body shakes with a genuinely unconstrained laugh. It’s then Roy knows, he had always known.

“I had to do something about it, I knew I couldn’t put our friendship in danger and you said you liked things as they were. So I ran away from it, I was glad that the transfer assignment came before I did something. Yet, after a month look where we are.” Moss smiles sadly, “Maybe I will regret this sometime later.” He looks away. But right now, telling you. Finally telling you makes me so happy.” Moss grins sloppily. Roy’s heart skips.

“Also they should really rethink unlimited alcohol during international flights.” Moss adds as an afterthought.

Roy licks his lips and averts his gaze when he feels Moss’ stare, he needs to get this right. “Richmond and I leaked the details of the bet. The case is going to go to court, he said it can take months or who knows…years. The company would probably run like before for a while.”

Moss frowns in confusion, opens his mouth in protest. Roy puts his finger on his lip, it’s warm like his own. “We could go back to our old lives.”

Moss’ shoulders sag a little, resigned. Roy doesn’t remove his hand, “That’s what I thought when I did it, but I don’t want to. Not anymore.” Moss blinks at his admission.

“What do you mean?” Moss asks.

Roy shuffles closer, a mirror image of a month earlier. Moss lets out a breath. This time it’s Moss below him and Roy smiles, “I’ve heard of a lot of success stories of guys working from a basement in the States but I guess mine will start when I finally leave one.”

There’s a flicker of doubt in Moss’ eyes, “I thought I could never fail if I didn’t try.” Roy whispers and leans towards Moss. “And this thing, it is already too good that I couldn’t imagine something better when I already have this.”

“I see.” Moss has a faraway look in his eyes, his hands twitch by his side, but he does nothing. He looks to the side impassively, which again thankfully, does not expose him to the toilet. That’s one big way to ruin a moment.

And this is, maybe, a moment.

Roy feels like he stands at the edge of a crumbling cliff. He traces a finger on his lips and Moss’ eyes hook on it. He could pretend after all like none of this happened, but wind can uproot the sturdiest house.

“I want you to be happy, Moss. I don’t know if this will end in tears or happiness and maybe I’ll never know.” he mumbles against his skin.

Moss straightens, strung like a violin about to break into a musical harmony or snap in half. Roy can feel him shiver as he wraps his arms around him, “But even if it happens, I’ll still remember that this happened.” and he kisses his chin.

“And this,” Roy traces a path up and sideways, kissing every speck of skin in his way, murmuring into Moss’ ear as he memorizes it, marks it. “And this.” He gently removes Moss’ glasses kissing the bridge of his nose. “And this.” he kisses his temple. “It’s forever a part of my ROM.”

Roy swallows Moss’ laugh, relishing the small noises Moss makes under him. It lights up a fire in his belly. The tension bleeds out of his body as Moss opens up to him, his hands gently pulling his hair and traveling down to hold his hips as he explores his mouth, deeper and deeper.

Moss kissed like he did anything when his mind was made up, without restraint.

When Roy breaks apart for air, he admires the raw patchwork of red all over Moss’ face left by his beard.

Roy feels fingers wrap around his cheeks holding him in place, rough and tender. “I can’t even try to forget.” Moss whispers, his fingers fit in grooves Roy never thought he had as he sinks into his chest. He can feel the rhythmic in and out of his breath against Moss’ slow into a sync.

Moss clears his throat, Roy swallows as his fingers card into his hair. “What you said about not wanting to go back to our old lives.”

“I mean it. I’ve decided to leave this job.” He looks for any signs that would make him rethink but Moss is beaming, “And I decided to come clean to this person I have a total thing for but he beat me to it. Though he looked completely bummed afterwards so I kissed him better.”

“Oh, was that the reason?” Moss says dryly with a crack of a smile.

“And I kind of love him.”

Moss looks at him in awe, “Looks like I did beat you to it.” Roy says.

⌘

**Author's Note:**

> (Roy, Moss and Jen resign, without the IT department Reynholm Industries shuts down in a week.)


End file.
